i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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