I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
