i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I woke up under a house in Key West
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