You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
