My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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