Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
