How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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