Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize