Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Randomize
