Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
worst night to have a conscience
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
