I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
