im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
