Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
