My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize