I could have mohawked her pubes.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Randomize
