Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
