I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize