Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I looked at my own cervix.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
