why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I FOUND THE LEGS
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
