he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
bring money and cleavage
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
