you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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