If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Randomize
