I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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