i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
