Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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