Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
