yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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