Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
