I wish I could teleport
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
