Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
