from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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