My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
