Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize