just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
