i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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