I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
