im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize