shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
No more Irish car bombs ever.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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