is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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