Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
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