Tell her she can't have a vagina
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
