And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
