He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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