i may or may not be watching the land before time
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
