you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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