I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
