I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Even my vagina gasped.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
