I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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