I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
