The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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