So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
