Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
