the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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