I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I want to be your penis for a week.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
