You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
