I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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