My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
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