apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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