oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
