I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
