ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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