you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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