You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
