last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
