Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
